Wednesday, February 10, 2010

obsessing...

So I've gone from, two months ago, being on a kind of internet 'fast' to checking the computer every hour...it's insane.

I cannot handle the waiting--I must say that this is WAY harder than pregnancy (and pregnancy was not a walk in the park for me). At least in prenatal waiting you get monthly progress reports from your doctor, you know that your body is doing it's job, that you can eat right and exercise and do things to 'maintain' the pace of the process and at the end of nine months, give or take a week or so you will have a baby--the baby that God was growing in you all along, the baby that you talked to over and over while you waited, the baby that you were able to keep safe from harm and well-fed.

This waiting, on the other hand, is torture. You feel forgotten by your agency at times (even though it's not true, they are doing their job wonderfully and appropriately), there are no monthly updates, no set timelines, you are at the mercy of circumstances like slow postal service and bureaucracy and long lines and the waiting list... But I think the worst part of this whole process is not knowing our baby, I don't know who she is, I don't know where she is, I don't know if she is hungry or cold or sad...And there is truly NOTHING I can do about any of it.

I am so very grateful to have a strong, loving, all-seeing God Who KNOWS...it doesn't take much of the sting out of not knowing these things for myself--but it calms my anxious heart to know and rest in the fact that God DOES know and He IS caring for her--just as He cared for my other children in my womb, He cares for her...He formed each of them in precisely the way He intended--something that, I have to admit, I had absolutely nothing to do with. It's more difficult to be so very hands-off, but it's wonderful to have the chance to praise God for His sovereignty--that He is and will continue to orchestrate all of this for His glory... That He is taking care of her needs, orchestrating all circumstances to connect our paths--intertwining our lives so that we will, eventually, be together as a family. I couldn't ask for anything more.

But continue to pray us through this process. We have had no news of late, and our time-line is stretching longer and longer...a time-line that God is in control of...I know. Please pray.

1 comments:

Heidi said...

Hey I'm with IAG too we just got a referral Jan. 5 and are waiting for our court date. I will be following your blog and praying for you! I know how you feel about obsessing!

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